Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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