I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
