Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
