I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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