im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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