Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
