Yo dont text me then not text me
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
