I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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