god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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