I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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