i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
