and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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