someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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