i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
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