how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
