when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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