Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
