When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
