This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
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