it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
