If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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