So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
