i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
