pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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