it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
