meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
