last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
im holly from the hills drunk
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
