im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
