Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
