You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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