the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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