Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
