My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
