I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
