Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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