Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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