I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
