Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
