I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
