She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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