did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
