He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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