I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
