So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We just shotgunned beers for America
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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