2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
