Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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