wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
