i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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