My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
