My Higher Power is John Stamos
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
