Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
