going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
