My underwear smells like fireworks.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
