she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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